life changes whether you're ready or not.....

i'm full. i'm tired. i'm cranky. but write on sistaaaa.. we had a fun filled busy weekend. friday night was a dave and buster's night for my bro-in-law shawn's birthday, shout out to shawn..we love you big brother.. roger's company took us to Hyde Park Prime Steakhouse on the north shore yesterday. i could literally feel my ab muscles or what i have left of those things i used to call abs, being stretched to their limits as i filled my empty belly of shrimp and salad and mashed potatoes and creamed spinach and filet mignon and mmmmm chocolate cake drizzled with raspberry sauce.... as much as i love pizza and hot dogs from dairy queen at this point in the prego life,i fell in love again last night with that meal..

happy mother's day to all the mamas..

.......tears flowed from babe's eyes as we talked that night.. thoughts constantly running through your mind. what will it be, will it be healthy, who will it look like, am i ready to be a parent.. yes that thought still goes through my mind occasionally.. it's like that country song "caught somewhere between a woman and a child".. i want more than anything to be a mama and have a family with my sexy lover but i will never go back to being the same person i am now. it's a reality that still gets me everyday.

rog and i can't keep secrets. i couldn't NOT tell my mama and dad or his fam or all of our friends this new adventure we were taking in life. there are so many people who wait to tell others that they're pregnant but really what's the point? i want them to be excited with us and if God decided that He was going to take the baby before then i would want them to share in our sadness. so on january 10,2010 we figured out a little plan to get both families together at one time.

we made shirts since we're, from older posts, quite the artists..

his gram had just come home from the hospital after surgery and we all met at her house for dinner. once everyone was in the kitchen getting ready to get their food we walked in with our cutie patootie shirts on wearing them proudly with a huge smile on our faces.. 

there was crying and laughing and words of encouragement and excitement from everyone..

              the moms talking about what they're going to buy and future baby showers and how they were going to fight over babysitting..

how often we get caught up in the future which is so unknown and miss the little moments of the present. the moments we wish we could go back to.. when the memory is fun and exciting.. rog and i were so proud that day as we sat and watched the reactions and joy in the people we love and care about the most..

the next week flew by.. with work and the thrill of having a baby growing in me, i honestly don't even remember that whole week.. i felt great.. i felt normal, not "pregnant" like i thought i'd feel. wasn't sick or craving. just at an ultimate high, the kind of high you get when you first start dating someone that you fall head over heels for.. that's all you think about.. no matter what's going on around you, good or bad no one can get you down.. or so you think..

saturday the 16th.. we had my little sweetheart bro and sis in law sleep over. i love them and i love having them sleepover.. it allows rog and i to become childish again, not that we don't act that way everyday.. but it's more fun when you actually have KIDS to be childish and share in the fun with you.. we stay up late and eat a buttload of junk food before bed and we get in comfy clothes with lots of blankets and pillows and make spots on the floor and watch movies all night until we fall asleep..

sunday 4am...

i woke up to pee.. not anything new.. usual routine of stumbling through the bedroom, stepping over kids and pups, blinking hard to wet my contacts enough to see through them..but this morning something was different.. i woke up drenched in a cold sweat.. shaking and pains through my body.. running through the hallway knowing something was wrong.. i get to the bathroom to find that something was very wrong..blood.. which seemed like it was pouring out of me.. i laid on the floor.. closing my eyes tight thinking that when i opened them maybe it would all be gone.. maybe if i walked back into that bedroom and crawled back in bed that it would all go away.. roger could hold me and we could be happy again.. reality was obvious and i could do nothing but lay there and cry... cry to God for help.. that whatever was happening, He would make it go away and make it better again.....

drops em dead with a blink...

sitting here at midas getting my long overdue inspection done.the joys of having a seasonal car..

..smell of cigarette smoke and gasoline mixed with the old coffee that looks like tar stuck to the pot.old men and their scruffy faces darkened and wrinkled by hardwork,grease and oil in the creases of their weathered skin...needless to say, i can't wait to get out of here! in the meantime, back to the Little's story...

January 7,2010..our 10 month wedding anniversary.the day i had emotions soaring with a new found thought of a possible pregnancy..i would not believe it until i got the paper with my blood test results. i had a urologist appointment that day. driving out to monroeville, sitting in the waiting room, trying to pay attention to all the elderly men and women telling me stories of their failing kidneys and children who never have the time to visit or call.. whatever happened that day was a whirlwind that i sat and watched fly by. i couldn't think of anything but the excitement of that morning.. i made dr.costa aware that i may be pregnant and if i was, had questions about what my IC issue would be.. i'd have to go off my medications.. *sigh* *grrrr* *evil glare* for me, my meds were my godsend. i skipped a pill and my day was ruined. picture peeing razorblades.. yes that would be the best description of IC.. there was no way i could just STOP taking them. but God allowed this lil ball of chromosomes to form when He did, so He can handle whatever "issues" that would occur through this journey..

i left the office that day worried yet so stinkinnnn excited thinking of how i was going to tell roger that night.. the kind of 'stinkinnnn excited' you get when you can feel the cells moving through your arms and legs and crawling under every inch of your skin..

when i got the results of my hcg levels my crazy hype went to a new level.. i WAS PREGOOOO BABY...

roger came home from work that night..same old small talk about how are days were, what we did, where we went.. i was making scallops and shrimp soaked in butter smothered over wheat spaghetti with this huge, massive, cornball smile on my face.. i knew i couldn't contain this information for long so while he took a shower i did some artwork..

not the neatest lil doodling but its mega hard to write on your belly in the mirror and it did the job...

rog came into the bedroom eager to get some grub and get to our movie and some cuddle time after a long day.. i couldn't hold it in, couldn't keep that cheesy 'i'm hiding something' grin off my face..

"open this letter and take off my shirt babers"

                 that statement was met with a smile and when he proceeded to lift my shirt that smile grew..a smile and that shine in someones eyes that you can't explain with words..

he held me like he's never held me before and tears filled his eyes..

i'm giving my baby a babyyyyyy...

with all the excitement and happiness, who would've thought that just a week later there would be tears of a different kind....

from the top...

blog number twooo..where to start, where to start. my best friend is outside bringing in hardwood flooring for our kitchen..yeaaa baby! its a dark walnut (or cherry,who knows) that's going to look amazing times ten against my 'helio glow' aka buttercup-ish, aka yellow-ish walls.. i'm uber excited, can you tell?! i should be out helping this sexy lover of mine 

 but instead i'm prego worn out from rearranging closet and drawers and winter clothes that took up 57,899,302 huge rubbermaid bins..so i'm sitting here writing as dallas babe is curled up in me on my right side taking a little snooze..  

our journey for our Little began last summer.. we never sat down and had a 'let's begin a family' talk..it just came up one night as we were sitting in the drive thru line at DQ. romantic i know,right..i don't even remember how it got started or what was said but that night sticks in my mind vividly, maybe it was just the chocolate covered strawberry blizzard that makes it a memorable night for me.. regardless we decided that it was time for a lil babe around the household... we told people we weren't trying but we weren't preventing..how dumb.. if you're not preventing then technically you're trying.. so we prayed God would give us a baby..

  

                 NOT MY WILL BUT THINE-----

we were met with quite a few struggles.. actually only one. i had a continuous UTI from april all through summer 2009..my lovely kidneys and urinary tract were failing us miserably and had me in the ER and to specialists like it was my job. after surgeries and biopsies, they discovered i had Interstitial Cystitis..painful and miserable and was a constant battle until i met dr.costa **sound the hallelujah chorus** yes i was still popping pills like i was a druggie but i was pain free and my bladder wall was healing. i look back now and realize why God didn't allow us to become pregnant right away. i had x-rays and scans and surgeries and was on 5 different pills that i wouldn't be able to cope without,yet wouldn't be able to be on if i was pregnant..

halloween passed-no baby..thanksgiving-no baby..Christmas and new years-no baby...what in the worldddddd?? i was frustrated..i was sad..i was worried there was something wrong..that maybe because of my kidney issues and all the meds and scans and scar tissue from surgery, that maybe i couldn't get pregnant.. and this was a concern that my doctors wanted to look further into.. everyone asking,so when are you guys going to start a family.. just shoot me in the head?! i wanted to wear a shirt that says we practice every stinking night but apparently i'm not prego yet so quit asking and mind your own business.. wow writing that had all that anger and emotion flood back and i want to throw something..yes i have anger issues.. back to the subject..

we weren't getting pregnant and when i want something i want it NOW,RIGHT MEOW! =) so my specialists sent me to fertility specialists.. my appointment was january 5,2010.. i went,we talked,they wanted to run tests because they were aware that with everything i had gone through the previous summer i could possibly have complications..they scheduled us for at least 9 different tests in the month of january alone, i have them all still written down neatly in my john deere calendar tucked away in my drawer as a memory of PURE FRUSTRATION!!

to get to the main point of this lil story..

                            january 7,2010..7am..i woke up,threw on some sweats,had a full bladder but did NOT pee and drove my little self to giant eagle made a purchase and then to work..

took a pregnancy test..

forgot i took it.

came back 20minutes to see 2 lines...WHATTTT...

**chug bottle of water**, **wait a few minutes**,**pee on stick number two**

...NOO FLIPPING WAYYY..two lines again?! i couldn't get enough pee for stick number three but after two positives, i'm pretty sure the third would've been a positive as well

off to Quest i went to have a blood test.......

late nights, sleepy eyes